The sixth episode of 90210 opens in Coach Emo's class, as he introduces a new student named Kim, who appears to be 30 years old, just like Andrea Zuckerman back in the day. She starts her experience at West Bev by being a complete and total psycho bitch from hell; first by mocking Annie's down-home friendliness, then by trying to rouse Coach Emo into a game of "guess which of my privates are pierced".
Then, we go to Home Ec class, where the teacher is assigning the "I'm splitting you all up into couples and giving you an anamatronic baby to take care of for the week" project. She obviously knows that it would make a great segue for Annie and Ethan to spend time together. What teacher wouldn't? Also, some douchebag makes a joke about baby care being 'women's work', so the teacher decides to make Douchey and Navid a gay couple, and Douchey has to be the bottom.
In the hallway after class, Silver and Dixon are having some boring conversation about Silver celebrating her half-birthday (I know, lame), at a horror movie fest in a cemetary. Dixon isn't into horror movies, but shows his kinky streak again by offering to let her pleasure him in the cemetery. Then, Annie and Ethan break up the PDAfest. Ethan and Dixon walk off, and Annie tells Silver that they're not dating, as Ethan is in 'Rebound City".
Naomi walks up to Adriana, who is looking less like a tranny with her bangs pulled out of her face. She's using eyedrops, implying that she's high. She bitches to Naomi a bit about how Botox Mom wants to be the next Dina Lohan, and all the pressure that it puts on her. Naomi uses this bit of info to ask if the rumors she hears about her using are true. Of course, Adriana is in complete denial about it. After some light arguing, they become BFFs again and set a date to go shopping. They even switch their BFF lockets. Awwwww...
In the parking lot, Tracy Clark needs a moment of Harry Wilson's time. If you remember from the first episode, Harry and Tracy dated for a few minutes in the 1980s, which resulted in a now 22-year-old son that was put up for adoption. Now, Tracy wants to find him, making Harry extremely tense.
Then we cut to Annie and Adriana's movie audition. Annie's audition is painfully awkward to watch, and she's obviously not getting the part. Meanwhile, Adriana is in the ladies' room, giving herself a dose of confidence in the form of a bump of cocaine from what looks like a lipstick holder (only it's a cocaine holder). She's ready to ROCK this audition as the almost-eight-minute opening montage ends.
When we return, Annie, Ethan, and the creepy fake baby are at the Peach Pit. Naomi shows up randomly to be a jealous bitch, and then walks off, leaving Annie to make some comment about how Ethan and Naomi won't be broken up for long. In other words, Annie likes Ethan, and is feeling the situation out while pretending to take the high road and saying she's giving him space. Ethan assures Annie that it's more than over.
Then we're at the Taylor/Silver house, where Silver and Dixon are being boring again. Silver thanks Kelly for letting her stay in the house alone by painting a single living room wall black. That's right. Not four walls, but just the one. Silver then jokes about black being her favorite color, and then proceeds to be a cock tease by insinuating that she's about to ride the Dixon train, only to whip out...a bunch of horror DVDs for a movie marathon. Dixon? He's unthrilled, as they say in the movie
Heathers
.
We then get some much-needed comic relief as we cut to the Wilson house. Harry walks in to find Slut Grandma and Debbie arguing over Slut Grandma swimming naked while the gardener is working. Slut Grandma defends her honor by telling her horrified, 42-year-old son how she likes it when the water glides off her bare ass. No, really. Before calling his therapist, but after Slut Grandma walks off in her whiskey and Xanax haze, he and Debbie briefly discuss his long-lost son, where she tells him that he should look for him if he wants to, and she'll be 100% supportive. BORING!
Next, Naomi goes to meet Adriana, only to be stuck having iced tea with Botox Mom, who first tries to talk Naomi into going into acting, and then criticizes her oh-so-80s hair. She also informs Naomi that Adriana got the part in that movie. However, she's not around. Botox Mom speculates that she's "off celebrating" - and she is, in some strange guy's car, holding a razor blade and a plate full of coke.
Back at Kelly's, Silver is pissed off because Dixon fell asleep during the movies. Dixon is pissed because he's missed his curfew. That's awkward, but not as awkward as Dixon sneaking in back home, and getting caught by Slut Grandma, holding what appears to be a bottle of Wild Turkey in one hand, and a bottle of Pepto-Bismol in the other. Granny's thrilled and wants "all the deets", but the parents come in to make it all boring and act like parents. SG comes to Dixon's defense by saying "It's not like he spent the night in Tijuana with two Laker Girls and a goat!".
Yeah, that's how I would have reacted, too.
Then, Annie comes in to break the tension and look for her creepy fake baby, which she has misplaced. I'm not paying attention as I realize that in the picture above is Debbie Wilson and Harry Wilson. Together, they're Debbie-Harry! BUSTED!
The next day, at school, Silver is inviting Coach Emo and whatever woman he's dating to the cemetery-fest for some reason. Coach Emo reacts by being an awkward geek, a running theme during tonight's show. Silver then goes from one awkward moment to another as Dixon approaches her. They have some boring convo about last night, and they make up. Annie and Ethan show up, arguing over the creepy fake baby, and decide to double date, even though Annie and Ethan are still trying to tell themselves that it's not a date.
We cut to Harry's office, where he and Tracy are discussing finding their long-lost love child. Tracy reveals that she went and hired a P.I. already. Harry pretends to be upset, but Tracy convinces him that they're doing the right thing. Then, she proves how desperate she is by attempting to kiss him. Harry pulls away and looks at her with such a replused expression that Tracy runs out, humiliated.
Detention time! Coach Emo (natch) is hosting detention, which consists of Psycho Bitch Kim, some guy named George, and some girl who randomly blurts to George that the fact that they made out in the 5th grade makes her want to cut her tongue out, as opposed to how she usually cuts herself. Kim tries to flirt with Coach Emo when he is called out into the hall. Kim turns to George to ask if he has any drug connections, and suddenly the "NARC!" light goes off in my brain.
In the hall, Naomi walks up to Adriana to see that she's coked out of her fried little brain. As they argue, we find out that Naomi was the one to get Adriana into drugs in the first place (back in the 9th grade), but she stopped long ago and Adriana didn't. Then, the police show up with drug-sniffing dogs, and announce that they're searching everyone's lockers. Adriana freaks, and Naomi offers to take the 'lipstick' holder and take the fall as Annie sees this from a few feet away. Naomi then walks off, and catches the eye of one of the police officers. So of course, she runs into the bathroom, making herself obvious. DUH! She's caught just as she's trying to flush the evidence down the shitter. She's arrested for drug possession and dressing like the head cheerleader in every teen movie from the middle 80's.
Yes, Kim is in fact, a narc. Coach Emo is pissed off that Harry authorized this, and lives up to the nickname I've given him by whining about making West Beverly a police state. Harry isn't having it, because he tells Coach Emo to go cut himself and walks away as the student body is reeling over Naomi's arrest.
Annie and Ethan tell Adriana that they know the drugs were hers. Adriana justifies her behavior by saying that Naomi got her into the drugs in the first place, but somehow Ethan convinces her to admit the truth. Meanhwile, Tracy and Charles are freaking out over Naomi's arrest. Naomi only took the fall because her dad can pull strings to get her out of trouble, but it turns out that this offense was too serious for him to do anything about it. DUH! Then, Adriana shows up and apologizes for being the worst friend ever, and agrees to confess.
Then, Adriana goes home to tell Botox Mom what happened. Botox Mom shows her a cake, which is "symbolic! You don't need the calories!", and reveals that they were about to lose the house when Adriana got the movie role, making Adriana go "Ruh, roh!"
It's cemetery time! Dixon looks confused as Silver is fondling the headstone of Johnny Ramone. Coach Emo shows up with his date, who is a gorgeous, tall, blonde actress, who quickly reveals herself as thicker than two short planks. Coach Emo now has a real reason to cut himself as she rambles on insipidly.
Annie and Ethan show up and exchange some bad jokes, and then Navid and Douchey show up to make some even lamer jokes. Debbie-Harry are there too, and Debbie is incensed that Tracy tried to kiss Harry, but that leads to more bad jokes.
Bottom line, the cemetery scene is painful. And just when it can't get any worse, Slut Narc (Kim) shows up to snark some more. Coach Emo doesn't know she's a narc, so he tells her that he will never date a student. Slut Narc tells him to chill, because she finds him 'gross' and tells him to get over himself.
Back at the movie, Annie and Ethan almost have their first kiss, but they are interrupted by a scream from the audience. However, nobody cares, because across town, Adriana is a no-show at Naomi's meeting with the lawyer. Naomi reacts by calling Adriana's voice mail and leaving a nasty message, which ends with "You're dead to me". However, she doesn't know that Adriana literally IS dead of a cocaine overdose, as paramedics are unable to revive her.
Yep, she looks dead to me.
Well, I'm not even sure if there's an episode next week, because there was no preview. So the show will be back when it's back, probably leaving off at Adriana's funeral, save for a miracle.
See my other site:
Insane WorldFeel free to leave a comment. Discuss!
Posts
